How To Lose A War - Ten Simple Steps
By Greg Heath
January 31, 2007 at 21:20:08
With so much emphasis today
on how to win a war, I felt it might be good to look at how to lose a war.
Losing a war may prove to be more difficult then you might first think.
After all military commanders are not in the business of losing wars.
Likewise, the brave men and women whom you would be asking to step into
harms way are going to do everything possible to succeed and return home
safely. Political leaders want no part of being associated with a failed war
and world allies would have an interest in ensuring your success. With so
many obstacles in place how could you almost certainly guarantee losing a
war? Well I have devised just such a plan to do so. Here is my plan for
losing a war in ten simple steps.
After inventing the war we would need to misguide the masses at home to gain their support. We should spread fear and rumors like "immanent threat", "mushroom clouds", and "terrorist harboring regime" even if the county we're planning on attacking has never taken hostile action against us. For when these untruths come to surface, our army will already be bogged down in a disastrous mess with no good way to pull out. So step two to my ten step plan to losing a war should be:
Step 2. Misguide The Masses
With the invented war plan in place and the home masses riled like an angry mob at a witch burning, we must make sure there was no real planning following our initial onslaught. In doing so we've destroy the civic structure that holds communities together and violence in check. And so step three of my ten step plan to losing a war would have to be: Pass on Post-war Planning. Of coarse we could always release a plan for victory a couple of years too late just as a joke.
Step 3. Pass On Post War Planning
Almost without a doubt our military commanders who actually understand war tactics will try and correct our inept plan. So we must be ready to remove them in an instant. If a commander tries to give us candid information such as "You're plan doesn't have enough troops to hold the peace." We must quickly relieve that commander of duty instead finding a replacement willing to work under our doomed plan. Also, we must sideline international bodies such as the United Nations, Arab League, and the European Union. These bodies have far too much world influence that could pull our army out of trouble later. We would need to waver relations with them immediately so they will have no interest in supporting us later. So, in keeping with my plan comes step four.
Step 4. Eliminate The Experts
After eliminating the experts we should begin applying atrocities on par with those of Nazi Germany. We would commit acts that sicken and outrage the world like opening secret prison camps, engage in kidnappings and torture, implement persecution without trial, or my personal favorite, dropping smart bombs in dumb places like residential neighborhoods and populated city streets. As the world watches in disgust while we commit these atrocities we become the bad guys or the accepted "Great Evil" of the world. And so follows step five of my ten step plan to losing a war.
Step 5. Apply Atrocities
Here's an important one. Impose censorship tactics that violate the very foundations of the freedoms our forefathers fought and died for. Label anyone who questions our obvious lack of leadership as unpatriotic. Bomb reporters when we don't like their war coverage. Engage in propaganda by paying reporters to print obviously flawed stories in our favor. The more misinformation we put out, the less creditable you become. For with the advent of the internet people of most any nation can discover what is true and what it isn't very quickly. For the truth is but a mouse click away. And so goes step six.
Step 6. Censor Critics
Inevitably there will be those along the way whom will want to correct our actions. We must never ever negotiate with these people. For in negotiations, we would almost certainly have to consider their views and expertise. This could ruin the whole plan. Stay the course. Stay on track. Plow forward like a horse with blinders charging towards a cliff despite desperate pulls at the reigns of those whom we will take down with us.
Step 7. Hide Behind Hypocrisy
Step 8. Never Negotiate
Human nature shows us that people seem to believe something the more it is repeated to them. Just look at Nazi Germany. In following this phenomenon we should keep trumpeting our non-existent gains as if they were actually making a difference on the ground. We must play down our obvious failures as "bumps in the road" or "unforeseen difficulties" realizing the whole time that the failures are part of our losing ill planned strategy. In doing so we could keep enough support to keep our failed policy spreading like an unchecked cancer.
Step 9. Obscure The Obvious
The final step to our losing plan is just simply to wait and watch. Wait and watch as our military hero's are killed, maimed, and demoralized in a winless war. Stay the disastrous, ill planned, ill executed course as long as ignorantly possible. Stay the course as the people of the nation we've devastated turn against our occupation instead turning to our enemies for the protection and the leadership that we've never provided. Before long we will have killed or wounded tens of thousands and reduced our military machine to the point where it is incapable of taking on any real threats and our enemies gain control of the country we've destroyed. And so the final step to losing a war in 10 simple steps would be simply to wait and watch.
Step 10. Wait And Watch
Yes, this would be my plan for losing a war in 10 simple steps. To help me maintain focus and stay on track I've listed the main points of my plan for losing a war in 10 simple steps as follows: